Another one gone.

Another one gone. 
So I had been talking to this guy named Adam. And I think I could fall in love with him. I really think I can but there's a slight problem... He's 32 and I'm 20. So he's 12 years older than I am. But that doesn't mean anything. I mean he made me happy and made me laugh! He made me feel beautiful and made me feel cared for and protected. It was so nice talking to him almost every day and night. But he ended things about 2 weeks ago because there was a change in our plans. His wife got pregnant. Yep. His wife. He's married. And they're expecting their first baby. So we stopped talking to each other for a few days but we couldn't stay apart from each other, and we've been talking. I saw him for the first time him and I met was last Saturday, and it was amazing. We just sat around outside on the porch, and talked and cuddled. We ended it with a kiss, and I loved it! :D I'm getting addicted to him and its crazy! I love hearing his voice! I love waiting for him to message me or talk to me. I've been waiting all week to see him and hoping that him and I would get some private time alone with each other. So we could just cuddle and stay in bed all day. <3


But unfortunately, he told me last night that he doesn't think him and I should see each other anymore because he needs to behave for the next 7months and when the baby comes. He said that he is falling for me and he could see himself being in love with me, and that's not good. I don't understand because I can see myself falling for him too, but we both know that we can't fall in love with each other. Because he's married and I know that he wouldn't leave her for me. I just wish him and I had more time to spend together. 


But he said he might come see me today, but I already know that if he hasn't come by now, than he's not coming at all. So I guess he's completely made up his mind and wants nothing to do with me. So this truly sucks. He even seems to be avoiding my texts, and stuff :( I guess things are completely done with Adam. 


Well I wish him a good life. And I need someone who can be all mine, not someone I have to share. I know that Adam will be a good father. But right now it's time I care and love myself. And one day I'll be able to find the man of my dreams. Adam was close to being him, so that must mean that I'm very very close to finding my true love! Yay!


It's time to think positive!


P.s. I want to be a mom. I want to get pregnant, preferably with someone I love, and I want to start my life as a mom/housewife. 


Maybe one day! :]

Why don't you stay?

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me?

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

So I just finished watching "My soul to take" with my friend Jovaun, and it really made me think.

The movie is about a man that died who was schizophrenic and had many personalities/souls in him and he kills a lot of people. He is then killed and the souls are dispersed into 7 babies born the day he died.

The thing that really scares me is that in the past I have heard voices and lost it and attacked Brett before. When I attacked him he said that my eyes changed and he said that it was like I was a different person. Could it be that I'm schizophrenic? Did I become another person? Will it happen again if I get pushed to that point again?

Is it bad to say that I'm afraid of myself? What if I am unable to control that other person?

Maybe I should talk to my counselor about this? Maybe its just my imagination running? I mean there are a lot of things from my past that I don't remember and we have moved a lot... Am I crazy?

Am I?



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I'm free! I'm finally free from Brett! I'm so happy that I have now completly cut Brett out of my life! I feel like a new person. I feel like I can finally love myself and no longer have him bringing me down.

I ended things civilly with him yet he continued to push being a jerk and rude because he knew before that's what kept me around because I longed for his love and affection. But I put my foot down and finished it for good and it is exhilarating! I can finally breath now! I'm so happy! I feel like he was holding me back. And now I'm free.

I'm finally free.

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I have just come to the realization. Brett treated me like an asshole throughout our relationship. He was over-controlling and talked down to me all the time. He was create little arguments all the time! Anyways I hope that girl makes him happy and is exactly what he needs - unfortunately I may be alone for a bit but its an amazing time to start working on bettering myself some more. Because I am strong. Even though yesterday was a moment of weakness. I never shed a tear on his behalf. I didn't let him win! :D he wants to play these games and play with my heart that immature and uncalled for and in the end he knows I'll be the one hurting.

So...

FUCK HIM!!! :D

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Pills pills pills!!

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I never asked for these broken pieces you left me with. You took advantage. Did so much damage right when you hit. You knew just what to target it in me. When you shout I drop to my knees. How could this be? I fell for the enemy.

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