Back on the meds.

Hello! 
Well I am back on my meds. I was off of my meds during the summer and was doing very well actually! I felt really proud of myself that I no longer needed meds to function again in normal society. But unfortunately I'm back on them now, and I'm on a higher dosage than I was before and they're making me go to personal counseling.  Which I do think is a good idea, but it's worse to hear it from someone else. 


It's been a hard few weeks. First I got dumped by a guy I had been dating over the summer time, and usually I wouldn't care but this guy was different. He wasn't the typical guy that I just stumble on, I used him to help me get over my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend and I used to live together before we broke up and he moved 13 hours away from me. So I cried and cried for months and then I met him. Lets call him L. So L and I met and hit it off right away. I actually wasn't interested in him at all, I felt like I was using him more as an distraction from my ex. (We'll call him B) So L and I were together mostly during the summer but then he moved back home to his parents house for over a month. Then he came back and was a completely different person. He told me a few weeks ago that he no longer has the same feelings for me because he has feelings for his first girlfriend/first love again. Which I really don't mind, I'd rather it be her than some random girl he met at a bar.


But that's not what's killing me. What's hurting me is what happened afterwards. I found out that my so-called best friend was talking about me behind my back to people and was saying some pretty mean things. I also found out that she was mad at me because L was her ex-boyfriend from 2 years ago, in which they only dated for a month. Anyways, so that was a kick when I was down, but it does not stop there. 


I had a friend, Wong, and he is usually the friend that I go to when I'm down because he always knows how to make me laugh. And when I text him to ask him if he wanted to hang out he sent me back a text message saying that even though he had a lot of fun hanging out with me he doesn't think we should see each other anymore. I go so confused. Did he think something was going on? We just sat at the park and talked and acted like idiots. And then he just cut me off. So I asked him not to bail because I' had been through a hard week and he sent me back a message saying "This is me bailing" and then we stopped talking.


And to top things all off, I had been talking to this guy, A. A is married. And 11 years older than me. But we were just innocently talking, or at least I thought we were innocently talking. But then he told me that he could no longer talk to me because his wife was pregnant. But I don't understand why that means he can't talk to me at all because I just saw him as someone I could talk to, like an older brother I guess that I can talk to and get advice from. My friend says that he might be doing this because he knew that talking to me and hanging out with me he wouldn't be able to stay loyal to his wife. Which I find is stupid but at the same time I understand where he's from, I just didn't want him to leave especially of all the other people who left in that one week. 


Also, just a few days ago my mother came up to visit me at my apartment and created a huge fuss and started a huge fight with me, and she threatened to leave my life as well. So that made me break down and lose it. And the next day I was re-medicated and now have to start my therapy on Friday.


So it has been a very emotional week or two for me. But I remain strong. Or try to at least. 


The one good thing that I believe that has come out of all this is that B and I are starting to talk a lot again and getting more comfortable with each other again. And it's nice to think that there is someone out there that cares about me. :] Even though I know that him and I will never get back together it's still nice to talk to him, because yes I do still love him, I mean I always will, he was my first love. Like I said, I know him and I will never get back together because we weren't good for each other. We brought each other down, and we "killed" each other's soul. Maybe one day when we've changed and both grown up then we might be able to get back together. But for now I'm going to go with the flow and let things happen as they happen.


I've come to the point where I just let things happen and I don't try to stress too much, and just let things happen like I said before.


Live. Love. Laugh.


-A.