Another one gone.

Another one gone. 
So I had been talking to this guy named Adam. And I think I could fall in love with him. I really think I can but there's a slight problem... He's 32 and I'm 20. So he's 12 years older than I am. But that doesn't mean anything. I mean he made me happy and made me laugh! He made me feel beautiful and made me feel cared for and protected. It was so nice talking to him almost every day and night. But he ended things about 2 weeks ago because there was a change in our plans. His wife got pregnant. Yep. His wife. He's married. And they're expecting their first baby. So we stopped talking to each other for a few days but we couldn't stay apart from each other, and we've been talking. I saw him for the first time him and I met was last Saturday, and it was amazing. We just sat around outside on the porch, and talked and cuddled. We ended it with a kiss, and I loved it! :D I'm getting addicted to him and its crazy! I love hearing his voice! I love waiting for him to message me or talk to me. I've been waiting all week to see him and hoping that him and I would get some private time alone with each other. So we could just cuddle and stay in bed all day. <3


But unfortunately, he told me last night that he doesn't think him and I should see each other anymore because he needs to behave for the next 7months and when the baby comes. He said that he is falling for me and he could see himself being in love with me, and that's not good. I don't understand because I can see myself falling for him too, but we both know that we can't fall in love with each other. Because he's married and I know that he wouldn't leave her for me. I just wish him and I had more time to spend together. 


But he said he might come see me today, but I already know that if he hasn't come by now, than he's not coming at all. So I guess he's completely made up his mind and wants nothing to do with me. So this truly sucks. He even seems to be avoiding my texts, and stuff :( I guess things are completely done with Adam. 


Well I wish him a good life. And I need someone who can be all mine, not someone I have to share. I know that Adam will be a good father. But right now it's time I care and love myself. And one day I'll be able to find the man of my dreams. Adam was close to being him, so that must mean that I'm very very close to finding my true love! Yay!


It's time to think positive!


P.s. I want to be a mom. I want to get pregnant, preferably with someone I love, and I want to start my life as a mom/housewife. 


Maybe one day! :]

Why don't you stay?

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me?

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

So I just finished watching "My soul to take" with my friend Jovaun, and it really made me think.

The movie is about a man that died who was schizophrenic and had many personalities/souls in him and he kills a lot of people. He is then killed and the souls are dispersed into 7 babies born the day he died.

The thing that really scares me is that in the past I have heard voices and lost it and attacked Brett before. When I attacked him he said that my eyes changed and he said that it was like I was a different person. Could it be that I'm schizophrenic? Did I become another person? Will it happen again if I get pushed to that point again?

Is it bad to say that I'm afraid of myself? What if I am unable to control that other person?

Maybe I should talk to my counselor about this? Maybe its just my imagination running? I mean there are a lot of things from my past that I don't remember and we have moved a lot... Am I crazy?

Am I?



Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

I'm free! I'm finally free from Brett! I'm so happy that I have now completly cut Brett out of my life! I feel like a new person. I feel like I can finally love myself and no longer have him bringing me down.

I ended things civilly with him yet he continued to push being a jerk and rude because he knew before that's what kept me around because I longed for his love and affection. But I put my foot down and finished it for good and it is exhilarating! I can finally breath now! I'm so happy! I feel like he was holding me back. And now I'm free.

I'm finally free.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

I have just come to the realization. Brett treated me like an asshole throughout our relationship. He was over-controlling and talked down to me all the time. He was create little arguments all the time! Anyways I hope that girl makes him happy and is exactly what he needs - unfortunately I may be alone for a bit but its an amazing time to start working on bettering myself some more. Because I am strong. Even though yesterday was a moment of weakness. I never shed a tear on his behalf. I didn't let him win! :D he wants to play these games and play with my heart that immature and uncalled for and in the end he knows I'll be the one hurting.

So...

FUCK HIM!!! :D

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Pills pills pills!!

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

I never asked for these broken pieces you left me with. You took advantage. Did so much damage right when you hit. You knew just what to target it in me. When you shout I drop to my knees. How could this be? I fell for the enemy.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Awesome.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Testing. 1, 2, 3. Seeing if I can update my blog from my phone.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Only person I need is me.

And my pills. :)

...

Holy fuck.
Holy fuck.
Holy fuck.
Holy fuck.
Holy fuck.


I don't think my heart can break anymore.
I think Brett has deleted his plentyoffish dating account because he's actually serious with this girl he's seeing now. 


My. Heart. Is. Breaking.


Is it bad I'd like to die? 


I want to forget all my pain. 
Give up.
Throw in the towel.
Wave the white flag.
Surrender to life.


Holy fuck.


How am I supposed to find someone else to make me happy when I won't let go of Brett? How am I supposed to move on? When I still love him so much? Shit I thought I moved on. I was happy for a bit. I was happy with myself. But it seems I was just lying and trying to hide it. Because once him and I started talking and getting close again, I fell right back on my face for him again.


Well forget it. Fuck it. Forget people. I'm all alone in this world. And I will live with it. That's all I can do. Live.


Fuck feelings. 


Take your pills. All the pain will go away.

Alone.

So I have come to the conclusion that I am alone in this world. (Either than my parents)

Brett told me today that he still loves me yet he's seeing someone else. He says that he's moved on and that he's happy that I've dated someone else since him and I broke up, but really I didn't date him we just did a lot of drugs, drank a lot and had sex. So he's moved on. He's seeing someone else.

It hurts. It really really hurts. I thought him and I would one day get back together. Someday soon. But no. We're not. He told me to tell him that I didn't love him anymore. Even if that meant lying to him so he could stop hurting and that he could be happy. So I did it. Of course I would. All I want is for him to be happy. So I told him that I didn't love him anymore. And he thanked me. So I asked him to tell me that he no longer loved me so I could move on and let him go, and he wouldn't say it. He said he would say it when he meant it. So he still loves me. 

This hurts so much.

I've also come to the realization that I really don't have any friends. That girls usually only contact me when they're having problems. And guys only talk to me when they want to have sex. I really have no one. No one that will just text me to see if things are alright. No one to call me to hang out. No one. No one. No one.

I'm all alone.

Back on the meds.

Hello! 
Well I am back on my meds. I was off of my meds during the summer and was doing very well actually! I felt really proud of myself that I no longer needed meds to function again in normal society. But unfortunately I'm back on them now, and I'm on a higher dosage than I was before and they're making me go to personal counseling.  Which I do think is a good idea, but it's worse to hear it from someone else. 


It's been a hard few weeks. First I got dumped by a guy I had been dating over the summer time, and usually I wouldn't care but this guy was different. He wasn't the typical guy that I just stumble on, I used him to help me get over my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend and I used to live together before we broke up and he moved 13 hours away from me. So I cried and cried for months and then I met him. Lets call him L. So L and I met and hit it off right away. I actually wasn't interested in him at all, I felt like I was using him more as an distraction from my ex. (We'll call him B) So L and I were together mostly during the summer but then he moved back home to his parents house for over a month. Then he came back and was a completely different person. He told me a few weeks ago that he no longer has the same feelings for me because he has feelings for his first girlfriend/first love again. Which I really don't mind, I'd rather it be her than some random girl he met at a bar.


But that's not what's killing me. What's hurting me is what happened afterwards. I found out that my so-called best friend was talking about me behind my back to people and was saying some pretty mean things. I also found out that she was mad at me because L was her ex-boyfriend from 2 years ago, in which they only dated for a month. Anyways, so that was a kick when I was down, but it does not stop there. 


I had a friend, Wong, and he is usually the friend that I go to when I'm down because he always knows how to make me laugh. And when I text him to ask him if he wanted to hang out he sent me back a text message saying that even though he had a lot of fun hanging out with me he doesn't think we should see each other anymore. I go so confused. Did he think something was going on? We just sat at the park and talked and acted like idiots. And then he just cut me off. So I asked him not to bail because I' had been through a hard week and he sent me back a message saying "This is me bailing" and then we stopped talking.


And to top things all off, I had been talking to this guy, A. A is married. And 11 years older than me. But we were just innocently talking, or at least I thought we were innocently talking. But then he told me that he could no longer talk to me because his wife was pregnant. But I don't understand why that means he can't talk to me at all because I just saw him as someone I could talk to, like an older brother I guess that I can talk to and get advice from. My friend says that he might be doing this because he knew that talking to me and hanging out with me he wouldn't be able to stay loyal to his wife. Which I find is stupid but at the same time I understand where he's from, I just didn't want him to leave especially of all the other people who left in that one week. 


Also, just a few days ago my mother came up to visit me at my apartment and created a huge fuss and started a huge fight with me, and she threatened to leave my life as well. So that made me break down and lose it. And the next day I was re-medicated and now have to start my therapy on Friday.


So it has been a very emotional week or two for me. But I remain strong. Or try to at least. 


The one good thing that I believe that has come out of all this is that B and I are starting to talk a lot again and getting more comfortable with each other again. And it's nice to think that there is someone out there that cares about me. :] Even though I know that him and I will never get back together it's still nice to talk to him, because yes I do still love him, I mean I always will, he was my first love. Like I said, I know him and I will never get back together because we weren't good for each other. We brought each other down, and we "killed" each other's soul. Maybe one day when we've changed and both grown up then we might be able to get back together. But for now I'm going to go with the flow and let things happen as they happen.


I've come to the point where I just let things happen and I don't try to stress too much, and just let things happen like I said before.


Live. Love. Laugh.


-A. 

The life of an Anonymous Girl.

Hello!


I'm anonymous.
I'm hidden.
I'm unknown.
I'm an enigma. 


I choose to be anonymous because I do not want people to put a face to my name and to my life story.


I am anonymous. 


This is my life. :]